April is the Cruelest Month.

Well, not really, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. The sheer volume of things I have to get done this month is already crushing me under its (volume)/(density). Reading T.S. Eliot and Gatsby back to back in English and Euro is rather depressing its own right.

This long weekend has been pretty low-key. I had a ton of work to do that I've all pushed to today. Yippee! Perhaps Sunday is the cruelest day of the week.

Thursday night Karmen came over to finish watching Devdas--that was the plan anyhow. We actually just lazed around in the basement, chatting, gorging on Canadian/Australian chocolate, and communicating through noodles. Made some plans about college, complained about parents and inane financial aid offices--nice stuff.

Saturday night my parents dragged me to another Asian parent party at Ning's house, except all the college kids were away. Weird thing was the parents had name tags on, giving it a whiff of formal networking. My brother, the dear brother he is, wrote a name tag for me (all the letters backwards of course), and tried to stick in on my butt. Kevin was there and so was another sophomore who kept asking the two of us about college--it freaked me out! I've gotten so jaded about the college admissions process that whenever underclassmen ask me about it, I just want to tell them, "Fuck college." Yea, not a good attitude. Shouldn't scare the underlings.

So of course, all the parents tried to dig college news out of me too, but I stubbornly repeated my mantra of choosing between Chicago and Rice. Alas, no college news stays uncovered in Asian parent gossip circles, so the questions soon turned into, "What do you do to get into Harvard?" When Kevin made an effort to honestly answer those questions, the only thing that would stick in my mind was, "How did I get into Harvard???" Seriously, I still ask myself that. I really don't understand how I got in, some weird fluke in the system. Gah, inferiority complex is already kicking in--another minus in the Harvard column.

As all Asian parents are again baffled by why anyone would ever choose another school over Harvard, Kevin said his mom told him to, "Convince Sarah to go to Harvard." I don't know, but talking over prefrosh stuff actually made me pretty excited. If Chicago continues to be stingy about money, I probably will pack my bags for Cambridge--all of 40 miles away from home.

Edit: Harvard is intimidating...maybe not. I've changed my mind 17 times already.

Positively Jubilant

I'm really happy today. I'm even going around smiling like a dweeb. A nonchronological, disorganized list of reasons why.

• I stayed up late watching the dorkiest physics video on black holes. Stars of the movie included Stephen Hawking, Homer Simpson, and of course, black holes. Mellifluous British accents also assuaged my ears throughout.
  
• Wednesday was my first ever official poetry reading. Despite the subpar quality of the poetry (well...I stopped paying attention), Yusef Komunyaaka had some enlightening things to say about art and literature. It almost rekindled a spark of interest in humanities. It's funny how I find theory much more interesting than the actual, tangible work.
• The weather is gorgeous. Yup, even Google agrees. I managed to change the theme of my Google homepage, so the background is a bus stop, and the weather in the background syncs up with the weather in Acton. My homepage is so pretty and sunny. So is my window. I just took a really nice walk too.
• Dinner at Friendly's last night with Karm, Liz, Mary, Avanti, and Megan was really fun and relaxed. Much better than the tension in the afternoon. Gobs of grease cling to my tummy and hair, but that is all forgotten in the spirit of good cheer. (Look at that end rhyme!)
  
• The Yale rejection letter. When it didn't come in the mail today, I finally broke down and checked it online. It took a few permutations, but I guessed my password in the end. I knew Yale was a sure-fire rejection (haha...that interview...), so the rejection didn't faze me. The letter even made it happy--and not in the thank-god-i-got-rejected kind of way, which given my dislike for Yale, probably should have been true. Going from past contact with Yale, I was expecting a cold, curt rejection, but this letter made me all warm and fuzzy inside! I leave with a much more positive impression of Yale than before. :D
  

See, I want to smile dorkily for no reason. :D I only wish other people can be as happy as me.

People don't take rejection well do they?

That's why I choose to live in blissful ignorance. I'm a bit aggravated right now, for several reasons. My ignorance is blissful, but other people want to know too much.

College rejections are no excuse to fall part.

Shattered Childhood Dreams

In third grade, my teacher used to make us draw pictures of our future selves, and inevitably, it evolved into the question of, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Whether it was a latent brown-noser in me or genuine interest, I drew a blackboard, some chalk, and an apple. I wanted to be a teacher.

What folly! Teaching is a last profession I want right now, closely behind toilet plumber and president of the United States. Seeing the mud, slander, and gossip we throw at our teachers now, I shudder to be the recipient of that. And perhaps the worst thing is a private problem: I take everything too personally.

All those things I do unconsciously--filling out crosswords in class, whispering notes to my friends, giving up on hard problems, scrambling to class late because I had to print my essay -- these things would make me feel awful as a teacher. Disappointment leaden with inertia. That's how McClung feels every time physics devolves into toddler play. That's how Crick feels when students turn in papers a week late. (Does Crick have feelings? Ah, we shall see.)

That's how I'm feeling right now. It's too easy to take things personally when people don't do the work you assigned them. I'd be an awful teacher...and an awful leader. I can't stand disappointment, and I'm not charismatic enough to persuade them otherwise. Acadec screws with my mental health.

Wait...list?

Because the MIT decisions came out today (a ridiculous number of ABers got in! Class of 07 rocks!), I spent some time trolling around on CollegeConfidential again. After perusing the usual amusing High School and College Life threads, I made a segue back to an old haunt--the CC Top Universities Forums. Washington University in St. Louis hadn't been visited for a long time, so being bored, I clicked the link, only to find a humongo Official Class of 2007 RD Thread.

Apparently, decisions have been online for 3 days already. But they don't mail them until April 1, the official date. I was rather confused why there were two different (and very far apart) dates, so I went to the website to check for sure. I stumbled into the status site, finding an inconspicuous link buried among many others called Check Your Admissions Status.

Official Decision: Wait List

This either means I'm underqualified (self-explanatory) or overqualified (WashU's infamous yield games). Academically, I find it hard to believe I'm underqualified, but there are many other factors at work. What's strange is that WashU uses waitlist the way MIT uses deferrals: it represents the bulk of the decisions. WashU was scratched off my list when the scholarship notification came negative, so this isn't much of a deal. I just hope this isn't a sign of things to come. It would be awful if I get all rejections/waitlists in the next few weeks; I would have wasted so much time and money when I'd already gotten into my first choice.