People don't take rejection well do they?

That's why I choose to live in blissful ignorance. I'm a bit aggravated right now, for several reasons. My ignorance is blissful, but other people want to know too much.

College rejections are no excuse to fall part.

Shattered Childhood Dreams

In third grade, my teacher used to make us draw pictures of our future selves, and inevitably, it evolved into the question of, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Whether it was a latent brown-noser in me or genuine interest, I drew a blackboard, some chalk, and an apple. I wanted to be a teacher.

What folly! Teaching is a last profession I want right now, closely behind toilet plumber and president of the United States. Seeing the mud, slander, and gossip we throw at our teachers now, I shudder to be the recipient of that. And perhaps the worst thing is a private problem: I take everything too personally.

All those things I do unconsciously--filling out crosswords in class, whispering notes to my friends, giving up on hard problems, scrambling to class late because I had to print my essay -- these things would make me feel awful as a teacher. Disappointment leaden with inertia. That's how McClung feels every time physics devolves into toddler play. That's how Crick feels when students turn in papers a week late. (Does Crick have feelings? Ah, we shall see.)

That's how I'm feeling right now. It's too easy to take things personally when people don't do the work you assigned them. I'd be an awful teacher...and an awful leader. I can't stand disappointment, and I'm not charismatic enough to persuade them otherwise. Acadec screws with my mental health.

Wait...list?

Because the MIT decisions came out today (a ridiculous number of ABers got in! Class of 07 rocks!), I spent some time trolling around on CollegeConfidential again. After perusing the usual amusing High School and College Life threads, I made a segue back to an old haunt--the CC Top Universities Forums. Washington University in St. Louis hadn't been visited for a long time, so being bored, I clicked the link, only to find a humongo Official Class of 2007 RD Thread.

Apparently, decisions have been online for 3 days already. But they don't mail them until April 1, the official date. I was rather confused why there were two different (and very far apart) dates, so I went to the website to check for sure. I stumbled into the status site, finding an inconspicuous link buried among many others called Check Your Admissions Status.

Official Decision: Wait List

This either means I'm underqualified (self-explanatory) or overqualified (WashU's infamous yield games). Academically, I find it hard to believe I'm underqualified, but there are many other factors at work. What's strange is that WashU uses waitlist the way MIT uses deferrals: it represents the bulk of the decisions. WashU was scratched off my list when the scholarship notification came negative, so this isn't much of a deal. I just hope this isn't a sign of things to come. It would be awful if I get all rejections/waitlists in the next few weeks; I would have wasted so much time and money when I'd already gotten into my first choice.

March 29 to April 1 is going to be WTF awful.

L'ennui et la melancholie

Good weather causes good moods, right? The contrapositive to that statement suggests that awful moods imply bad weather. Both statement are patently false, the current weather and my current mood prove that.

This daily grind I suffer through has become vraiment impossible, said in the snottiest tone of a French existentialist. I can't even point my finger at why. I just can't stand it anymore. I'm not even going to qualify this entry with some self-conscious nod to emo-ness because there some times when I'm okay with myself, but this is certainly not one of those times. Maybe it's how I can't breath without getting nauseous in my own house, as the dank odor of my grandparent's bathroom infiltrates every square inch. Maybe it's how the TV drones on incessantly, spatting out canned Learning English phrases or annoying Chinese songs. Maybe it's how my mother sees fit to yell at everyone, everything, everyday. Maybe it's how I'm inundated with work I neither like or deem useful. Maybe it's how everyone is sick or grumpy, and communication has degenerated into mumbling and grumbling. Maybe it's how one earlobe is throbbing on the verge of an inflammatory response. Maybe it's how I can't bring myself to care about anything, blase to things I once loved. Maybe it's how other people don't care about things I want to care about. How I talk too much when I shouldn't and talk to little when I should. How I either let people walk all over me or be a bitch, unable to strike a perfect, normal balance.

I sit on front of the computer, clicking and munching and eating, even as my stomach is engorged and my eyes are numb. Looking for something to make me feel better. And it doesn't come. I want passion and drama, and all I find is ennui and blitheness.

I don't know why I feel so down when today wasn't that bad. Weather is by all means terrific: the sky is a cheery blue with the perfect balance of wispy white clouds. Here are the things that made me happy today because really, I shouldn't be this malheureuse. After all, even Albert Camus decided wallowing in misery was not the way to go. Revoltez!

• I single-handedly deflated Anna's massive bag of chocolate and candy.
• I have wonderful friends who have licenses and cars.
• English class was a silly and amusing exercise in futility.
• UChicago has a new admitted student website aptly called the ThickEnvelope, and they spoil their early admits. It's nice to be wanted sometimes.
  
• We're staying at the swanky Hilton in Hawaii, not some cheap motel.
• Word Racer at 7!