L'ennui et la melancholie

Good weather causes good moods, right? The contrapositive to that statement suggests that awful moods imply bad weather. Both statement are patently false, the current weather and my current mood prove that.

This daily grind I suffer through has become vraiment impossible, said in the snottiest tone of a French existentialist. I can't even point my finger at why. I just can't stand it anymore. I'm not even going to qualify this entry with some self-conscious nod to emo-ness because there some times when I'm okay with myself, but this is certainly not one of those times. Maybe it's how I can't breath without getting nauseous in my own house, as the dank odor of my grandparent's bathroom infiltrates every square inch. Maybe it's how the TV drones on incessantly, spatting out canned Learning English phrases or annoying Chinese songs. Maybe it's how my mother sees fit to yell at everyone, everything, everyday. Maybe it's how I'm inundated with work I neither like or deem useful. Maybe it's how everyone is sick or grumpy, and communication has degenerated into mumbling and grumbling. Maybe it's how one earlobe is throbbing on the verge of an inflammatory response. Maybe it's how I can't bring myself to care about anything, blase to things I once loved. Maybe it's how other people don't care about things I want to care about. How I talk too much when I shouldn't and talk to little when I should. How I either let people walk all over me or be a bitch, unable to strike a perfect, normal balance.

I sit on front of the computer, clicking and munching and eating, even as my stomach is engorged and my eyes are numb. Looking for something to make me feel better. And it doesn't come. I want passion and drama, and all I find is ennui and blitheness.

I don't know why I feel so down when today wasn't that bad. Weather is by all means terrific: the sky is a cheery blue with the perfect balance of wispy white clouds. Here are the things that made me happy today because really, I shouldn't be this malheureuse. After all, even Albert Camus decided wallowing in misery was not the way to go. Revoltez!

• I single-handedly deflated Anna's massive bag of chocolate and candy.
• I have wonderful friends who have licenses and cars.
• English class was a silly and amusing exercise in futility.
• UChicago has a new admitted student website aptly called the ThickEnvelope, and they spoil their early admits. It's nice to be wanted sometimes.
  
• We're staying at the swanky Hilton in Hawaii, not some cheap motel.
• Word Racer at 7!