Okay, I resign myself to getting nothing done this weekend. There has just been too much drama and trauma that I cannot concentrate on anything. I'm going to keep writing because even sucky writing is therapeutic. Basically, the whole spam debacle is the dumbest thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I've done enough dumb things for 20 lives. I can't believe that 15 of us high school seniors had to go through this melodrama that belongs way back in junior high. What the hell. This didn't even happen in junior high; it's like we've devolved and become even less mature.
Although I spent all of last night trying to be fair and balanced in what I said/did, I had some really unfair and unbalanced thoughts in my head. I know that we all bear some responsibility for the eventual result, but I do feel inclined to blame some people more than others. Maybe this feeling is really petty--it is--and that's partly why I feel so upset right now. I'm really ashamed that I too stooped so low in this whole inclusion/exclusion mess. I guess it's the Woody Allen joke right? "I only want to in a club that doesn't want me in it." I started feeling this way as soon as we started adding people to spam, so it's not like anything new. Last night probably just reached a critical mass of stress and the whole thing blew up in our faces. I wish we had been more discrete about the spam thing and didn't rub in everyone's faces. Fuck. Why are we so immature? I really hope that we can move beyond this disaster and that there isn't any permanent damage done in our friendships.
I am have more icky feelings to write about. Today is just an icky day; I'm hoping tomorrow will turn around. The thing I feel really icky over is when people are nice to me. Maybe this is more to do with a specific person, but I always feel this person is nice to me because they expect something out of me in return. I just feel kind of used. I don't know. Chances are, if you're reading this I am not talking about you. This has absolutely nothing to do with my group of friends. Color me cynical, but better safe than sorry.
I might be putting this blog on protect sometime soon because I'm dispensing my review log URL to some people I would be mortified if they read this blog. I know I sound so petty and emo and spastic here, since I only update when I'm one of those things. If you still care about reading, just drop me an email. Even if you're some complete stranger that's okay. You just better not have my college-related fate in your hands.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
On collegeconfidential.com, reading the stress-charged posts of high-strung teenagers and parents. On some level, I find these posts really amusing for the simple ridiculousness that teenagers would spend their free time discussing college on forums. But then, collegeconfidential is like crack. I know it's terrible, yet I've been terribly addicted.
I spent the last half hour reading a huge thread about the discrimination against Asians in high-stakes admissions. Basically, an article in the Harvard Crimson quoted a book in which an admissions officer was quoted calling a Korean student a "textureless math grind." Knowing, if only peripherally, people whom one might label "textureless math grinds," I find the statement ridiculous and insulting. What? Why are Asians stereotyped as having no personality? No human being deserves this kind of offhand brush-off. Judgment based on only a few numbers and pieces of paper no less. They haven't even met the damn person!
At the same time I express outrage at this, I feel like I apply that label to other people too. Being Asian myself, I understand all too well the parental pressure. I would not call myself particularly rebellious, but I have tried to move away from it. I have acqueicesed to the signifigance my parents put in grades, but I hardly care about them. This year, I've managed to get my lowest test grades ever in math, history, French, and science. This is out of my entire high school career. Maybe it's because it's senior year, but I don't even get stressed out over my Cs. Although I understand, I cannot sympathize over people who cry over grades. It's not fucking worth it. My term grades all turned out okay in the end anyways.
My parents and I still have so many fundamental disagreements. I'm really lucky to have parents who are at least on the liberal side (in Asian terms only), but they still don't understand. They were absolutely devasted when I wanted to quit piano. But piano was something I absolutely abhorred. The only reason I would have continued would have been to please my parents or fancy my future college admissions officer. One reason is slightly less loathsome than the other but both are equally soul-sucking. It's also interesting that I have spent high school moving away from math/science and toward the humanities. Although I'll probably still never declare an English major, I have more of an affinity for the humanities than before. Math problems used to excite me but now I just copy them out of the answer book. Literature and art just excite me in a way numbers and impratctical theory cannot.
Yesterday, I mentioned to my parents that I probably would not apply to Harvard/Yale if I get into UChicago. My parents were crushed and upset beyond belief. They looked like I had undermined their entire life's work. (Eh, probably true upon introspection.) But...I was surprised at their reaction too. I thought they were at least okay with my choosing UChicago, but I now realize they still harbored latent hopes of Ivy. (Wow, I almost typed harvard instead of harbor--something is most definitely wrong.) My parents tried to explain it to me in terms of a financial leverage--if I get into Ivy, I might be able to negotitate a better financial aid package--but I know they still have their Asian-American dream of Ivies. I guess I'm perfectly okay with the financial explanation, but there is no way I will chose Harvard/Yale/Columbia over UChicago. It's a good thing that my chances at any of the three above schools are so low.
And it's not a rebellion/snobby thing that makes me choose UChicago either. I swear it must be fate that UChicago is everything I want in a college. Not only is it perfect in location and academics, UChicago has the exactly personality I want in a school. Even talking with fellow applicants online, I feel I have met my soulmates. UChicago has a personality that is utterly distinct from the Ivy but fits me perfectly. I think what my parents don't understand is that I am not an Ivy student; I would not fit in or succeed at Harvard at all. There was a time, long long ago, when I harbored this dream, but I now recognize the Ivies are definitely not for me. I just wish my parents would understand that too.
I'm actually not that stressed out for my decision. In fact, the emotion might be better described as excitement. Or maybe I am stressed. I don't know! This is going to sound really cocky, but I actually feel pretty confident about getting into UC. Looking at naviance stats and my total love of the school, I think I should get accepted. Of course, this will only make the deferral/rejection worse. Le sigh.
At the end of the Crimson article I mentioned above, there was a sentence that I found interesting...becasue it was basically the exact same thing as my self paper thesis: "But a major roadblock to Asian-American empowerment is that same old stereotype, imposed upon them by society and internalized by the community." It even uses the same wording! When I write English papers, I usually come up with theses that I understand to be true in real life. So is this true? I hope not.
I spent the last half hour reading a huge thread about the discrimination against Asians in high-stakes admissions. Basically, an article in the Harvard Crimson quoted a book in which an admissions officer was quoted calling a Korean student a "textureless math grind." Knowing, if only peripherally, people whom one might label "textureless math grinds," I find the statement ridiculous and insulting. What? Why are Asians stereotyped as having no personality? No human being deserves this kind of offhand brush-off. Judgment based on only a few numbers and pieces of paper no less. They haven't even met the damn person!
At the same time I express outrage at this, I feel like I apply that label to other people too. Being Asian myself, I understand all too well the parental pressure. I would not call myself particularly rebellious, but I have tried to move away from it. I have acqueicesed to the signifigance my parents put in grades, but I hardly care about them. This year, I've managed to get my lowest test grades ever in math, history, French, and science. This is out of my entire high school career. Maybe it's because it's senior year, but I don't even get stressed out over my Cs. Although I understand, I cannot sympathize over people who cry over grades. It's not fucking worth it. My term grades all turned out okay in the end anyways.
My parents and I still have so many fundamental disagreements. I'm really lucky to have parents who are at least on the liberal side (in Asian terms only), but they still don't understand. They were absolutely devasted when I wanted to quit piano. But piano was something I absolutely abhorred. The only reason I would have continued would have been to please my parents or fancy my future college admissions officer. One reason is slightly less loathsome than the other but both are equally soul-sucking. It's also interesting that I have spent high school moving away from math/science and toward the humanities. Although I'll probably still never declare an English major, I have more of an affinity for the humanities than before. Math problems used to excite me but now I just copy them out of the answer book. Literature and art just excite me in a way numbers and impratctical theory cannot.
Yesterday, I mentioned to my parents that I probably would not apply to Harvard/Yale if I get into UChicago. My parents were crushed and upset beyond belief. They looked like I had undermined their entire life's work. (Eh, probably true upon introspection.) But...I was surprised at their reaction too. I thought they were at least okay with my choosing UChicago, but I now realize they still harbored latent hopes of Ivy. (Wow, I almost typed harvard instead of harbor--something is most definitely wrong.) My parents tried to explain it to me in terms of a financial leverage--if I get into Ivy, I might be able to negotitate a better financial aid package--but I know they still have their Asian-American dream of Ivies. I guess I'm perfectly okay with the financial explanation, but there is no way I will chose Harvard/Yale/Columbia over UChicago. It's a good thing that my chances at any of the three above schools are so low.
And it's not a rebellion/snobby thing that makes me choose UChicago either. I swear it must be fate that UChicago is everything I want in a college. Not only is it perfect in location and academics, UChicago has the exactly personality I want in a school. Even talking with fellow applicants online, I feel I have met my soulmates. UChicago has a personality that is utterly distinct from the Ivy but fits me perfectly. I think what my parents don't understand is that I am not an Ivy student; I would not fit in or succeed at Harvard at all. There was a time, long long ago, when I harbored this dream, but I now recognize the Ivies are definitely not for me. I just wish my parents would understand that too.
I'm actually not that stressed out for my decision. In fact, the emotion might be better described as excitement. Or maybe I am stressed. I don't know! This is going to sound really cocky, but I actually feel pretty confident about getting into UC. Looking at naviance stats and my total love of the school, I think I should get accepted. Of course, this will only make the deferral/rejection worse. Le sigh.
At the end of the Crimson article I mentioned above, there was a sentence that I found interesting...becasue it was basically the exact same thing as my self paper thesis: "But a major roadblock to Asian-American empowerment is that same old stereotype, imposed upon them by society and internalized by the community." It even uses the same wording! When I write English papers, I usually come up with theses that I understand to be true in real life. So is this true? I hope not.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Casino Royale
Oh, I watched this yesterday too. Because this blog needs some pretty and Daniel Craig + Eva Green are pretty personified. Okay fine, Craig is not pretty per se but he is manly, rugged, and totally bringing the Bond sexyback. Eva Green is just too gorgeous.
I really hope I get to writing a full review where it's not just my hormones doing the talking. Still, Casino Royale is all about the visceral, no?
I have to go to school tomorrow? Gosh, darn it, yay!
It's almost the end of November and that handy scroll bar on the side tells me I only have one post so far. I haven't had much to write lately, and everything I do write wants to stay in a locked MS word document. Like normal people, I look forward to vacations but when it's actually vacation time, I really hate it. I haven't written so much lately because I've been busy in the last few weeks and busy is happy for the most part. When I'm bored, I just lapse into these strange existential crises and mope about my indeterminably sized ego. So yes, vacations suck. I guess I write a lot when my mood sours and that hasn't happened much until this weekend.
Last night, I went to Didaph's house and I really enjoyed it. "Fun" isn't the operative word here, but it was very pleasant. I mean, there was no uproarious talk or lightning wit, but it was enjoyable. We gossiped for a long time, but it never felt vulgar or mean-spirited. It was just pleasant. Everything was comfortable and easy and honest. I didn't feel this pressure to prove myself. It's interesting because I haven't felt that way hanging out with people for a long time. I think it was a lot like how I am writing right now: plain and simple without forced wit. I never bust a gut laughing but it was a lot more enjoyable than some get-togethers when I spent too much time laughing.
Interestingly, the talk turned to guys and the whole issue of dating. I was kind of surprised to hear Didaph lament their (lack of) boyfriend situation. (One thing I did learn was how normal they are. It's almost scary.) Wen just advised us to wait until college, which is exactly how I've always felt. God, it would away from the overeager preying eyes of my parents too. My id can't wait for college. The ego is a little more wary.
The funny thing is that I haven't spent that much time with Didaph at all, in class or outside of it. Interesting how Asians just collude and bond.
Last night, I went to Didaph's house and I really enjoyed it. "Fun" isn't the operative word here, but it was very pleasant. I mean, there was no uproarious talk or lightning wit, but it was enjoyable. We gossiped for a long time, but it never felt vulgar or mean-spirited. It was just pleasant. Everything was comfortable and easy and honest. I didn't feel this pressure to prove myself. It's interesting because I haven't felt that way hanging out with people for a long time. I think it was a lot like how I am writing right now: plain and simple without forced wit. I never bust a gut laughing but it was a lot more enjoyable than some get-togethers when I spent too much time laughing.
Interestingly, the talk turned to guys and the whole issue of dating. I was kind of surprised to hear Didaph lament their (lack of) boyfriend situation. (One thing I did learn was how normal they are. It's almost scary.) Wen just advised us to wait until college, which is exactly how I've always felt. God, it would away from the overeager preying eyes of my parents too. My id can't wait for college. The ego is a little more wary.
The funny thing is that I haven't spent that much time with Didaph at all, in class or outside of it. Interesting how Asians just collude and bond.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Je suis une grande personne.
That's a depressing thought. My brother said I was 27 today. So that's not quite true, but relatively, it doesn't even matter that much. When I was 7, 17 and 27 seemed like pretty much the same age. 17 is the age when princesses meet their Prince Charmings and love can conquer the world. I feel shitty and bloated. The world does not want to be conquered.
I reason a feel like "une grande personne" is the numbers coursing through my head: SAT scores, GPAs, test grades, and hell, even tuition. I was annoyed enough with my stubborn math SAT to drudge through another another 5 hour test. Saturday was so gray and sluggish I think my scores really have nowhere to go but down. Speaking of going down, that's also the disturbing trend of my Euro grade. As the class average increases with each test, my grade plummets. WTF. True enough, I haven't taken Euro seriously at all this year--zombieing through class probably doesn't help my grade, but that's remarkably strange. If the history fairy's generous, I might pull a B+. Big IF. I haven't adequately studied for this next test either. The thing is, I don't think I do bad, but I somehow consistently get whole slews of multiple choice wrong. Sluggish brain does not wake up at 8 in the morning. Or maybe it's too dumb.
Quarter grade predictions: calc is salvageable, physics is surprisingly good, French is a deserved A (hopefully I won't sink it with the oral), English depends entirely on the whim of Crick, and Euro...um...just sucks. Not terribly bad but not great either. This term, I managed to pull my lowest grade EVER in history and math.
But, seriously enough about grades and numbers. Saturday was Lynn/Steff's birthday party. Lynn's house is so nice and classy...my house is just a sloppy mess. I ate like an armadillo (hence the bloatedness). Turned brain off and watched MarySue humiliate themselves. Socially starved as I am, I wanted to stay later but Alice's mom has some penchant for 9 PM trips to the postal office, which is conviently on the way to Lynn's.
New terrible obsession with Bookworm. I keep dreaming of it in my sleep, and it sucks my euro studying time away.
I reason a feel like "une grande personne" is the numbers coursing through my head: SAT scores, GPAs, test grades, and hell, even tuition. I was annoyed enough with my stubborn math SAT to drudge through another another 5 hour test. Saturday was so gray and sluggish I think my scores really have nowhere to go but down. Speaking of going down, that's also the disturbing trend of my Euro grade. As the class average increases with each test, my grade plummets. WTF. True enough, I haven't taken Euro seriously at all this year--zombieing through class probably doesn't help my grade, but that's remarkably strange. If the history fairy's generous, I might pull a B+. Big IF. I haven't adequately studied for this next test either. The thing is, I don't think I do bad, but I somehow consistently get whole slews of multiple choice wrong. Sluggish brain does not wake up at 8 in the morning. Or maybe it's too dumb.
Quarter grade predictions: calc is salvageable, physics is surprisingly good, French is a deserved A (hopefully I won't sink it with the oral), English depends entirely on the whim of Crick, and Euro...um...just sucks. Not terribly bad but not great either. This term, I managed to pull my lowest grade EVER in history and math.
But, seriously enough about grades and numbers. Saturday was Lynn/Steff's birthday party. Lynn's house is so nice and classy...my house is just a sloppy mess. I ate like an armadillo (hence the bloatedness). Turned brain off and watched MarySue humiliate themselves. Socially starved as I am, I wanted to stay later but Alice's mom has some penchant for 9 PM trips to the postal office, which is conviently on the way to Lynn's.
New terrible obsession with Bookworm. I keep dreaming of it in my sleep, and it sucks my euro studying time away.
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