Okay, I resign myself to getting nothing done this weekend. There has just been too much drama and trauma that I cannot concentrate on anything. I'm going to keep writing because even sucky writing is therapeutic. Basically, the whole spam debacle is the dumbest thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I've done enough dumb things for 20 lives. I can't believe that 15 of us high school seniors had to go through this melodrama that belongs way back in junior high. What the hell. This didn't even happen in junior high; it's like we've devolved and become even less mature.
Although I spent all of last night trying to be fair and balanced in what I said/did, I had some really unfair and unbalanced thoughts in my head. I know that we all bear some responsibility for the eventual result, but I do feel inclined to blame some people more than others. Maybe this feeling is really petty--it is--and that's partly why I feel so upset right now. I'm really ashamed that I too stooped so low in this whole inclusion/exclusion mess. I guess it's the Woody Allen joke right? "I only want to in a club that doesn't want me in it." I started feeling this way as soon as we started adding people to spam, so it's not like anything new. Last night probably just reached a critical mass of stress and the whole thing blew up in our faces. I wish we had been more discrete about the spam thing and didn't rub in everyone's faces. Fuck. Why are we so immature? I really hope that we can move beyond this disaster and that there isn't any permanent damage done in our friendships.
I am have more icky feelings to write about. Today is just an icky day; I'm hoping tomorrow will turn around. The thing I feel really icky over is when people are nice to me. Maybe this is more to do with a specific person, but I always feel this person is nice to me because they expect something out of me in return. I just feel kind of used. I don't know. Chances are, if you're reading this I am not talking about you. This has absolutely nothing to do with my group of friends. Color me cynical, but better safe than sorry.
I might be putting this blog on protect sometime soon because I'm dispensing my review log URL to some people I would be mortified if they read this blog. I know I sound so petty and emo and spastic here, since I only update when I'm one of those things. If you still care about reading, just drop me an email. Even if you're some complete stranger that's okay. You just better not have my college-related fate in your hands.
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1 comment:
Of course I'm using you. Duh, we haven't evolved over millions of years to throw self-interest out the window.
Jk. =)
I Stalker would like to be in your exclusive blog-reading club. So lyk omgz plz dun let dose stoopid college fate ppl in or i will not b in ur club nemore.
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